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| I haven't blogged in general in a while.
And I always end up ranting on this one when I have some meaningful bullshit to say.
My summer was good in a way I never knew before.
I had more job freedom, more money, more booze, more weed, more home freedom, more love, more happiness.
I also had less responsibility, less social freedom, less sobriety, less clear thinking, less money [ after I satisfied my cravings ].
I want to be a flirt again.
Be all single and sexy and get with whoever I want whenever I want.
I love my boyfriend. I love my freedom. FREEDOM IS POWER.
I would love to write more.
BUT I CANT STAND THIS CONSTRICTING, BINDING FEELING I AM CONSTANTLY GETTING
I feel like and old version of me. I miss feeling like a young plaything. I don't miss the used napkin feeling afterwards, but I miss it.
The excitment of trying something new. Someone new.
I gotta either move on to harder drugs or stop altogether. | | |
| When I'm high, I have better thoughts and artsy endeavors.
Music sounds better. People feel better. I feel better.
I know it's a bad habit, but It can't be that bad if so many people do it. Honestly.
It enhances life. I enjoy extreme things.
I miss Luisa. It's actually only been about a week since I've hung out with her, but it feels like a long time since Italy. 3 weeks oddly. Vacation is next week. My road test is Thursday.
I've never thought I'd actually like Abel, but I do and now we are dating. I like him a lot. I hope it's not spring fever, I don't want to destroy him.
Shiny Toy Guns really appeals to me right now.
I've been having too much good fortune recently.
Something bad is looming ahead. I can't determine what it is though.
Usually I'm spot on at predetermining things. And I know people's mystical connections. Haa.
Whenever I get to the point of actual happiness, I feel I don't deserve it.
Like I need to run away, break it, something.
I need to suffer to learn how to appreciate. I can't take things for granted. Everything happens for a reason.
I need to go to a concert. Feel the music around me, inside me, throughout me.
I need to just run. Until I come to a higher state of knowing.
I need to scream. There's so much I cannot express. My limited vocabulary lacks the means.
Why can't we hug someone into us?
We can never be one, we will always be two, separate, lonely beings. I can never make someone mine.
I can try, I can pull them so close they cannot breathe, but I could never make them one with me.
I don't want to be alone.
I'm afraid of myself. | | |
| Death excites me in ways life never can.
And I rarely use words that contain 'ever', for I am an enigma of interpretation and stimulation.
So when I do use it,
I mean it. | | |
| I got drunk in school yesterday. That's never a good sign, but it was fun. Yay for being a badass.
Where should I go?
What should I do?
I don't understand what you want from me
Cause I don't know
If I can trust you
I don't understand what you want from me
I feel like I'm spinning out of control
Try to focus but everything's twisted
And all along I thought you would be there
(Thought you would be there)
To let me know I'm not alone
But in fact that's exactly what I was
So after telling my parents that they should stop being alchoholics, in nicer words than that, my dad got all in my face screaming about how it's his fucking life, I should mind my own business until I know better, why should it affect me when he drinks?
But it does affect me. Unfortunately.
My mom has said that it is the only thing that keeps them together now. When he's on vacation, she doesn't drink HALF as much as she does when he's here. If she stopped, there would be no point to the relationship.
He has been drinking more since I've talked to him about it. That was Sunday. Now he can barely speak clearly by 9 o'clock. I used to take it for granted that he could drive and drink and smoke at the same time, now I am scared out of my wits.
And I know I shouldn't do any of that shit, but I'm just a naiive, impressionable teenager with no opinions that count and nothing important to say.
According to him.
So yeah, If he and she are going to drink, so am I.
If they are going to smoke, so am I.
Does not even matter anymore. Fuck it. I guess I'm not strong enough to resist temptation. I'm not worthy of what I've been given. I don't deserve my friends, my intelligence, my anything.
I'm just going to waste it and be nothing.
DO I SOUND LIKE A FUCKED UP TEENAGER YET?! DOES EVERYONE ELSE FEEL LIKE THIS TOO, EVERY FUCKING DAY OR JUST ONCE IN A WHILE?
I just need something that will take me away
To help me disconnect to get you off my mind
I just need something that will give me the strength to get away from you
To escape from here
I'm not going to take any goddamn pills to 'fix me'.
I'm not going to kill myself.
I'm just going to inflict self-punishment until my body gives up. Until my friends give up. Until my family gives up.
Then I can rest in peace.
SO YEAH, I get close to people, too close, and then push them away so they don't get hurt later.
I find reasons to fuck things up.
Usually they leave, recently I've had a rather reluctant speciman, but she'll give in too. They always do.
She thinks that by ignoring me, I'll get over it and move on, but not this time deary.
Care to change my mind? Nah, you don't care at all. Which is cool, I guess, makes my mision easier.
I still haven't cried. I think this is a record time for me.
So if you think I'm a little self destructive drama queen, that's a good name for a hit song someday.
I just need something that will make me numb
To help me dissapear, to anywhere but here | | |
| Last night scared the shit out of me.
Physically.
Mentally I felt I deserved every drop of blood shed.
But it was so deep.
And it was so sharp.
And I was so sure I had stopped.
Lately I'm not quite myself.
Maybe I do need some help.
I can't stand to be around her. I want her wrapped around me, yet I want to be as far away as possible.
I don't fit in with her college friends. I'm surprised she does.
They make me feel uncomfortable, so I avoid their invitiations.
Their just pity invites anyway.
I don't like that she ditches me for them.
I don't like that she's more open with them.
I don't like that she's uninhibited with them.
I don't like that she lies to me because it's easier.
I don't like that her words and her actions don't match.
I tried to make her happy, but she's insaitiable. I quit things, I did things I originally thought to be dumb, I've bent and broken and built and bowed.
And it feels like I just get treated like everyone else.
That is not how it works.
I don't know what to do.
I don't want to be another minion that 'fell in love' with her.
I will not assume the doormat position.
I am not going to be another of her puppets.
I'm done. I'm sorry, but I'm done.
You're the part of me that I don't want to see.
I gave my parents a booklet on Alchoholism. How it affects families.
My dad read it.
But it won't change anything.
I can't make anyone change.
You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him drink right? Or not drink in this case.
Alchohol is the thing that keeps my parents together.
It's the poison that makes my sister feel alive.
It's the toxin that I despise.
But it's my cure.
I haven't cried in so long. Crying doesn't do shit.
My other xanga turned a year old today.
But this one still feels like home. That one is just a shell. | | |
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